Mad

I'm probably about to blow up the version of me that you know.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.  Let me guess.  Judging by the name "Little Miss Sunshine", you think I'm peppy, cheerful, sweet (maybe?), and other similar traits. 

Confession time.  Sometimes Miss Sunshine gets angry with the fury of a burning ball of nuclearly reacting space stuff.  This is not a joke.  Sometimes my precious children make me mad.  I get annoyed when they say things like "Uh, no I didn't", when I JUST SAW THEM punch PC22 in the face, or when they say "I hate school" or "I don't care" or "Miss Sunshine Miss Sunshine Miss Sunshine" x 10,000.  I feel like they're defying my authority or disregarding any ability I have to engage them, or they're just being persistent 8 year olds.  On the scale of ponies and rainbows to exploding space reactions, that's not too bad. 

I like to drive… closer to the speed limit than not.  When people who think 15 under is a good idea for society, I get a little… peeved.  I feel like they're cutting into my schedule.  When people leave fast food restaurant tables messy, I get a little… disgusted.  I feel like they're disrespecting my eating space. 

Those are all merry and bright compared to what really makes me mad.  Sometimes people don't give me what I think I deserve.  I'm not talking about extra whipped cream at Starbucks or quick service at restaurants.  I'm talking about the things that I hold close as a part of my identity… like my intellect.  Treat me like I'm stupid, and prepare to have a supernova on your hands - not a vocal, demonstrative one, just a seething, steaming one.  Inside, I will likely be shouting one of these things…

MY SAT SCORE WAS PROBABLY DOUBLE YOURS!!

DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT I HAVE _____!?!?!?!? (traveled, taken Greek, owned chickens, whatever it is)

YOU PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN SPELL THAT WORD YOU JUST USED INCORRECTLY!

It's the same when people don't think I can understand "real life" because I'm young or sheltered or home schooled or have had a happy life.  It makes me mad because they've taken something I prize - knowing stuff, having an imagination, being able to empathize - and thrown it away as worthless or ignored it completely.

I'm hesitant to write all those things for two reasons…

1. Now you know how big of a jerk I can be.

2. You're going to think I'm thinking those things when I talk with you. 

(It's probably good for accountability's sake that you know I can be a jerk, and it's not very likely I'm thinking those things when I talk with you.)

I was thinking last night about all of this.  The most troubling thought was this - aren't there more important things to be up in arms about?  Isn't there a whole world out there more important than my pride and reputation that could benefit from getting a little mad?  I don't mean road rage or unleashing on random strangers.  I was thinking more along the lines of things wrong in the world worth getting mad about. 

Every night, there are kids who are forced to have sex with people.  In some parts of the world, kids are forced to be soldiers.  There's enough food in the world for everyone to have enough, but people still starve while others get gym memberships to burn off their excess food.  Sweet grandmas and grandpas get swindled by hackers and phishing operations because they don't have people watching out for them.  On a planet of 7,066,735,041 humans, there are people who take their lives because they're lonely and think no one cares.  The CDC count for reported number of kids intentionally killed in the womb was 784,507 - and that's JUST IN 2009. 

Suddenly defending my stupid offended ego seems like a pretty big waste of time.  If I'm going to be up in arms about something, I had better make it something worthwhile.  How can I go through life getting upset by slow drivers and be perfectly nonchalant about the AIDS epidemic leaving millions of orphans in its wake?  Sure, my life should be characterized by the peace that comes from walking with Jesus, but by no means are peace and a full on rage against what is broken and ugly and evil in the world mutually exclusive.  In fact, I don't know how I could really say I walk with Jesus and not get fired up mad about the important things.

I don't really know what kinds of change this post will bring about in my life.  For starters, getting mad that people don't think I'm as cool as I'm convinced I am is certifiably ridiculous.  I also think looking reality in the face might be a good place to start.  The world can be a pretty dark planet.  People get away with stuff.  People get sick.  People do bad things.  I serve the God who heals.  I follow the God who is the ultimate just and merciful Judge.  I love the God who showed us what unconditional love looks like.  Talking to that God changes things, and He cares a whole heck of a lot more about the world than I'll ever be able to.  Prayer matters.  Right now I'm reading Love Does and I'm reminded that the limits I have are often limits I've put on myself.  Do I think I can't make a difference because I really am not capable of making a difference, or because I've talked myself out of trying?  Maybe it's time I got mad about something worthwhile and got in on the action.

Get mad and get going,

Little Miss Fiery Burning Hot Ball of Nuclear Mess (sorry, there wasn't a picture for that...)