Monday, February 11, 2013

The Xbox 5600 Baconator






(What I'm reading inevitably filters down into my writing.  I'll say up front that I just finished What He Must Be by Voddie Baucham Jr., so consider yourselves warned, gents.)


I'll start by saying I think that sometimes well-meaning evangelical chicks can unwittingly man-bash just as well, if not better than, their feminist counterparts.  It's easy enough to proclaim the weaknesses of the other sex without offering any kind of insight or remedy or plumbing the heart for its true motives.  I have likely been guilty of this at one time or another, decrying the shortage of gospel driven, God fearin' men and the abundance of immature, poorly-read, undisciplined boys in men's bodies without speaking any sort of truth into the situation.  That confession aside, that is not what this post is. 

The scene opens on a seemingly tranquil grassy knoll.  Our hero emerges from the nearby thicket, riding his pearly white steed.  He has the armor as evidence of his extensive knight-in-training course at the local Community Knights College.  He has worked hard, and no one would argue that.  You should see the sweat that boy put into Jousting 203 - impressive by any standards.  He saved up his pence earned from delivering the daily tidings to buy his glowing steed, Roger.  Fiscally responsible, that boy.  When he finally got his first quest, he was elated.  No one doubted his courage or training.  That's where we find our young man, on the threshold of battling his first dragon, the fiery reptile Draco, who has held the small town of Hamletburgtonville in its scaly grip. 

Our white knight descends the grassy knoll, locates the dragon with his state-of-the-art DragonFinder 3000, slays him, and is lauded with the praise of the 150 peasants who live in Hamletburgtonville.  He carries the rather weighty and cumbersome, not to mention bloody and disgusting head of the dragon back to his professor of knightship at his local college.  Professor Secularis congratulates him on his success and invites him to the award ceremony where he will receive the reward of his labors. 

The night of the ceremony, our knight's mother helps our young man polish the hard to reach pieces of armor to ensure he is a walking talking blinding clanking tin man.  She and his father sit proudly in the front row of the hall, waiting for their son's name to be called.  He marches confidently across the stage and is handed the latest Xbox 5600, complete with mind reading technology and bacon griddle attachment. 


At this point, I hope something in you is terribly unsatisfied.  Don't misunderstand me, I love bacon too, but this whole story just isn't right.  So what went wrong?  Allow me to escort you to the front row of my punch line… He doesn't get the girl.  Before your inner progressive feminist starts yelling at me, tell her to go play some roller derby. 

[Whoa.  This just got feisty.]  So here's the problem.  Our valiant knight, aka, well brought up Christian boys, are well on their way to becoming those epic-worthy brave men who do the right thing despite the consequences and give voice to the plight of the voiceless.  Yay.  Good stuff.  High Five.  That's not the problem.  The crisis occurs when Professor Secularis aka silly liberals who don't advocate what's good for people hold up independence and a no-strings-attached life as a great goal (enter the Xbox 5600). 

Sure, the life of the wild and free - globe trotting on a shoe string to Manila and Prague and Capetown to practice amateur photography is fun.  Going to see concerts on the weekends is fun.  Buying yourself the latest ____________ is fun.  After a while, all you're left with is torn ticket stubs and a lot of stuff laying around your apartment.  Life that is wild and freeeeeee has never been one of God's dreams for His people.  At least, not in the sense I mean it here.  God has called you to a wild life of faith, trusting Him in everything, with everything, all the time.  He has called you to be freeeeee from stuff that will leave you broken and wounded and called you to be freeeee to love people and serve them. 

At this moment, I would like to pause and give you a short collection of things I'm NOT saying

1. Everyone has to get married to be who they were created to be
2. Getting married is the end all/most awesome/important/sparkling thing about life
3. Girls are just princess prizes, objects to adorn men's arms
4. You should never go to Manila
5. You should get married ASAP

I feel like each of those things could be a separate blog post, but I'm just going to let them sit for now. 

My point in all of this bacon joking, analogy drawing, bro admonishing is something went south in our estimation of marriage.  Helllllooooo.  Whatever happened to "he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD" [Proverbs 18:22].  Or, if you want my own paraphrase - "the guy who finds a wife is a pretty smart guy, and God is happy for him".  What about this one "An excellent wife, who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels."? 

Follow this line of reasoning… God invented marriage.  God values the institution of marriage.  IF we say we want to love what God loves and think His thoughts after Him and stay close to His heart and all those other worship song-y things, we had dadgum better stop listening to the culture's commentary on marriage and start thinking it's as cool as God says it is.  In short, God values marriage.  If we want to value what God values then we will value marriage too. 

You'll notice, I didn't say, we'll all get married.  I get it that some people are called to serve God as a single person.  Actually, we're all called to serve God as single people because we all start out as single people.  Regardless of your life calling, married or single or single wanting to be married, we need to esteem/value/think highly of marriage. 

How do we do this? 

Well, girls, if you have not been called by God to be single, then by golly you're probably called to be called to be un-single.  We call that married.  If you're going to be married, you should probably start looking around at the awesome wives you know and ask yourselves if you have anything in common with them.  Can you communicate honestly?  Do you have some unrealistic expectations or relational baggage you need to sort through?  Are you seeking wise counsel?  Are you spiritually growing?  Then there are more practical things like do you have a lot of debt?  Do you know how to make something other than cereal and PBJ sandwiches?  On the other hand - if you are called to be single, uphold the institution of marriage as a wonderful thing. 

Bros… As men who love Jesus and are walking with Him and pursuing Biblical community etc. etc., maybe you should start being a little more marriage minded.  I realize, even if you know the final frontier is not the wild and freeeeeeeeee life, and you know marriage is a good thing, women can be sca-ry.  But that's OK.  You're knights.  You've been to knight school.  You're prepped and ready to go.  It's a big mission, alright, grander and more terrifying than any you've undertaken so far, but take the Bible's, and not insignificantly, the statistician's word for it - it's worth it. 

No one wants the knight to ride off into the sunset with an Xbox 5600 Baconator.

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