How to Win at Church (but lose at everything else)

Tune in, church goer, I'm about to tell you how to succeed at church.  This will be particularly helpful if you are

a.) New to the church scene

b.) Old to the church scene but feel your ratings are slipping

Having grown up in church, I am sufficiently qualified to be writing this post.  I have an abundance of "church cred".  If I were to go all Apostle Paul on you Philippians 3 style, it'd look like this…

~Attended 10 churches in four states and two countries

~AWANA

~VBS

~Bible drill team

~Jr. High leadership committee

~Youth choir

~Discipleship group

~VBS prep/performance team

~Chorale

~Percussion

~Hospitality team

~3 mission trips

~Sunday school teacher

~Nursery worker

~Weekly small group

~Women's ministry Bible study

Let's just say, I know a thing or two about church.  Take it from me, there are things to do, and things not to do if you want to win at church. 

1. Show up.

To win at church, you kind of have to be there.  Sundays are a must.  You can miss for the occasional summer vacay or mission trip, but as a general principle, be there on Sundays.  You have to establish a physical presence if you want to win at church.

Note: You don't need to be there all the time, or be too eager about it.  That might give off a weird vibe, like you're a little too excited to be at church.

2. Fit in. 

The specific application of this one depends on the kind of church you attend.  If it's a down home church south of the Mason-Dixon Line and has a name like First Baptist Church of Chattanauga, you'll be wearing skirts and suits and a respectable amount of bling.  If it's more of a "mega-church", you'll have some flexibility, but don't skip your eyebrow waxing appointment this week and pick up a new bottle of that J.Lo mascara on your way home today.  If it's less of a church and more of a "scene" or "venue" or "worship experience" kind of place, head to American Apparel (or the nearest Goodwill) and take your best hipster friends with you to figure out what floral high-waisted shorts you should buy.  The point is, look like the people who go to your church. 

Note: This is an important one.  If your budget doesn't allow for name brands, put clothing on your list for Christmas and birthdays and do the best with what you've got.  Don't let on that you don't shop where everyone else does.  What they don't know won't hurt them.

3. Name drop.

This is also church-specific, but there are some names that are pretty universal to drop.  Just mentioning that you were reading John Piper's latest blog will up your church ratings.  Names like C.S. Lewis, John MacArthur, Augustine, and Francis Chan, will also put you in the runnings for winning at church.  It's even better if you just drop last names.  Bible references are ok, but hot blogs and podcasts are better.

Note: You don't need to actually read the whole book or listen to the whole podcast.  Studying a lot is kind of dramatic and might make people uncomfortable, which won't make them like you. 

4. Get involved.

Don't let this one scare you.  If you want to win at church, you only have to be marginally involved.  Small groups are a good way to check this item off your list.  They're fun, there's usually food involved, and they don't usually require too much study or reading.  You don't need to share anything deep.  When other people are sharing, squint your eyes a little and nod empathetically.

Note: Don't get too involved.  People might ask you to do things that squeeze your schedule or tax you relationally.

5. Give.

I know, this is another traditionally scary one.  Don't worry.  To win at church, you only have to be seen giving.  It doesn't really matter how much.

Note: You want to be seen as a faithful giver with a hint of generosity.  Giving "until it hurts" can make other people feel convicted about how much they give or make them think you're taking this whole church thing a little too seriously. 

Disclaimer: This blog post is about how to win at church.  Following these steps will put you on the path to winning at most American churches.  It won't put you in leadership or help you form meaningful relationships.  It won't help you grow or change.  It won't really require much of you at all, which is perfect, right? 

Isn't that why you go to church?

Little Miss Sunshine

If you're not sure you want to win at church but lose at everything else, that's a whole different blog post.