Once Upon a Blind Date

Once upon a time, I had a job.  At that job, there was a student teacher intern.  That student teacher intern had a boyfriend.  Her boyfriend had a friend, and that friend was tired of being single.  (And the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass grows all around... Barney singalong, anyone?)  So this friend of the boyfriend if he knew anyone he could set him up with, and the boyfriend said, "Yes, her name is Little Miss Sunshine".

Spring turned into summer (but since summer in Phoenix doesn't end til October, it was still summer), and nothing had happened.  The boyfriend of the student teacher intern who worked at the school where I worked last year brought it up again at the end of the summer.  He had asked me about it in the spring, and I said "Sure, why not?".  He asked me again in the summer; and I said "Sure, why not?.  (It's how I get roped into most of my adventures.)  So he gave away my number...    

Fast forward a few days - he texted me.  I thought he was super funny and a little ridiculous.  We were scheduled to go on a double date with the friends next Wednesday, but he asked if I wanted to get coffee on the Friday before as kind of a pre-date.  I said, you guessed it, "Sure, why not?".

Well, we did get coffee, but I'll tell you right now, it wasn't love at first sight.  That sounds harsh and rude, but I say it as a sort of caution to those who would say that you should really "click" (whatever that means) on the first date.  (I used to be one of those people.)  

So we drank some coffee.  We talked about stuff.  It was fun.  Pretty general first date stuff.  (Side note: first dates are socially wacky between differing backgrounds/expectations and nerves and first impressions.)  Afterwards I was talking to my mom explaining my "on the fence" dilemma.  I mean, shouldn't I just be head over heels, love at first sight, walking on clouds, and all that other stuff people say?  Always, but especially at moments like these, I am thankful for a reasonable, level-headed, smart mother.  She told me straight away I was being ridiculous and that of course I should go on a second date, and probably a third and fourth before I even thought about making some kind of "decision".  

We already had the second date scheduled, so we went dancing on Wednesday.  If you know ANYTHING about me, you know dancing is right up there with breathing on the list of life essentials.  As it happens, the man could dance.  That was in his favor... a lot.  He asked me on a third date that night.  I said yes.  He kept that song on repeat.  He would ask me out, and I would say yes.  In fact, it's still happening.  And let me tell you, this guy is a good date planner.  

About date 7 he decided he was tired of just taking me on dates, so he asked me to be his girlfriend.  This time, it wasn't "Sure, why not?".  This required a yes.  And I gave it to him.  

I've lost count of what number date we're on.  What I haven't lost track of is how considerate and sweet he is, the way he loves adventure, or the priority he puts on prayer.  He likes to read, he can fix anything, and he's taller than me when I'm in heels.

It's ironic, in a way.  Ever since I was little, I've tried to plan out (read: control) my life.  I remember writing "life plans" that included living on a farm with my three best friends and raising all kinds of livestock and doing craft projects.  (I was a weird kid, ok?)  In high school, it was all about the SAT.  What score could I get?  What schools could I get into?  What major should I choose?  It's funny because at each lifestage, there are a different set of questions.  It's not as if you wake up one morning and think, "Gee, I'm all out of questions.".  In respect to guys, it's usually been the same way.  I pick one I like and then set to figuring out what I can do to get them to notice me.  Ha.

This one wasn't like that, and it kind of freaked me out.  We met on a blind date, so I already felt behind in the scoping out/mulling over/stalking process!  The funny thing is, it just happened.  Out of the blue, in from left field, the dark horse in the race - I didn't plan it, couldn't have written it, wasn't trying to make it work.  I don't know what's going to happen or where we'll be in five years.  And I think that's ok.  That's what I get for having Type A tendencies - a lesson in God's providence.

So... once upon a blind date, I met a guy, who knows a guy, who dates a girl who I worked with last year.  And the rest is history.



Much love,

Little Miss Sunshine

Marriage Matters

 

I was thinking this morning as I was cutting cantaloupe.  (I love cantaloupe.)  I was thinking about marriage.  When's the last time you heard a little kid playing on the playground holler that he wants to be a super duper awesome…. Husband?  Yeah, I've never heard that, and you know how much time I spend with kids.  Now, I haven't read Piper on marriage or Real Marriage by Driscoll or any of that.  Sheesh, I'm not even married, but it seems to me as an innocent bystander to the institution of marriage, IT'S PRETTY FLIPPING IMPORTANT.

Let's not even pull out the big guns yet.  Let's just talk about romance.  Choosing to stick with someone til death do you part, forsaking all others and toughing it out through sickness and health, feast and famine, laundry and dishes - now that's romantic.  Shakespeare didn't write Sonnet 116 because we're supposed to just date people forever.

it is an ever-fixed mark 

That looks on tempests and is never shaken...

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

Pasted from <http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnets/116.html>

Do we love fairytales because the prince rescues the princess from the dragon/villain/evil step-whoever/magic spell and takes her out to dinner?  NO!  We love it because they ride off into the sunset (however she manages that in her poofy princess dress), and they live happily ever after.  They don't live happily ever after because that was the last of the dragons or because the princess never burns the toast or because the prince never ever tracks mud into the palace.  They live happily ever after because they're together, they're committed, they're in for the long haul.

What about kids?  Think it's better if they have two married parents living at home?  Think it's better if they can enter adulthood without 12 suitcases of relational baggage from a divorce or a dysfunctional unmarried parents scenario?  Now, I get it.  Stuff happens.  People make the best out of the situations they have, but we're talking ideal situations here.  Practically speaking, it's just easier.  Coordinating who goes to whose house and who picks up whom when and for what holiday and who pays for gymnastics and baseball...  I had a student last year who switched houses EVERY DAY.  Let's just say she had a hard time keeping track of her homework. 

OK, big gun time.  Marriage is a picture of Christ and His Church.  God set it up as a sort of earthly analogy of the closeness we experience with Christ and the kind of sacrificial love that exists between Christ and His Church.  What do you think it says about the Church when our divorce rate is the same as everyone else's?  What are you saying about Christ with your marriage?  It's not just this thing that started out romantically, ended up with a few kids and a mortgage and is now this habit you'll probably maintain for a while. 

*brief hiatus for frustrated explosion*

MARRIAGE IS HARD.  I get it.  Life is easier if you just date people or cheat on people for other people or remain the eternal bachelor because you love drinking out of the milk jug.  Sometimes you lose sight of Ephesians 5 - "walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us… a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife… let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."  That's HARD.  It's natural to love yourself the most and hand out your leftovers to whoever's standing closest.  Loving someone as yourself is a supernatural crazy kind of love.  It's easy to lose the vision of marriage somewhere between making dinner and golf with the guy.  You get busy choosing paint colors for the living room or buying socks for the kids or doing dishes or figuring out where you're going to spend Christmas. 

But what if, aside from you walking with Jesus, your marriage is the most important thing you ever do?  Oh sure, your career is important.  Making that quota is of real long term value.  *Here's a tissue for my sarcasm splatter.*  Being on that non-profit committee is so great.  You racking up hours at the gym is super duper self-discipline.  I get it, we need to do stuff with our lives.  Big stuff.  Little stuff.  Middle stuff.  But shouldn't looking like Jesus and loving like Jesus be our first and main thing?  I'm not saying you can't love Jesus and be Committee Chairperson Extraordinaire, but if you think that takes precedent over your marriage because it's obviously more charitable and philanthropic, you've lost the vision of marriage. 

Sure, I'm not married, so for me, looking like and loving like Jesus is not going to look like nurturing a marriage.  (Sometimes I get frustrated because I'm not sure how to properly affirm and uphold the institution of marriage while simultaneously affirming the role of single people in the Church.)  But good heavens, married people, your marriages are important - not just because it's cheaper to be married or because it means you have someone to go to the movies with.  They're important because you're the picture people see of Christ and the Church!  I almost feel like buying some pompoms and being your personal cheer squad.  In no other relationship will you have the opportunity to show off God's grace and patience quite like the way you do in marriage. 

What would have to change for us to start hearing the veneration of marriage on the playground?  Married people, I think it starts with you.  You have to start believing your marriages matter, that the promise you made that day you walked down an aisle is STILL the most important promise you've ever made.  It's not just important to you.  It's important to culture, social norms, the Church, kids, single people, the economy.  We have to start talking about marriage like it's a good thing - not a rut, not a habit, not something to try when you hit 30 - but a good thing that's good for people.    

Do you get it yet?  Geez louise, I sure hope so.  Know that I'm on my knees for you and in your corner, but not even a fraction of the way Jesus is interceding for you. 

Go be awesome and married,

Little Miss Sunshine

Getting the Girl - What you can learn from Bad Boys

And then Princess Buttercup ditched Prince Charming for Evil Villain and they rode off into the sunset on his Harley and lived happily ever after. 

Ok, I know that doesn't ever happen in the fairy tales, but sometimes it happens in real life.  The princess falls for the bad boy and misses out on the prince charming standing right beside her.  This is a phenomenon that has baffled good guys for ages.  Trust me, dudes, I don't completely understand it myself.  I mean, if that girl had half a brain in her head, she'd be falling for you - the sweet, upstanding gentleman who will take care of her instead of that goodfornothing snakeinthegrass lilylivered twofaced… you get the idea.  So where's the breakdown?  How in the world did she miss you standing right next to her?  Good girls want good guys!  They admire them and speak highly of them and aspire to marry them...

So why, oh why, oh why in the world do good girls go off with bad boys? 

Let's start with the simplest option - she's an idiot.  Let's face it, sometimes girls just do dumb things.  It's entirely possible that she wasn't thinking straight and made the wrong decision.  I want to take that idea of "not thinking straight" and blow it up on the projector for further examination.  What do bad boys do that get girls' attention and help them along in the process of "not thinking straight"?  After all, if the bad guys are getting the good girls and you aren't, they're doing something you're not.  What is it?  And is it something worth adapting with some tweaking so you don't get your "good guy" card pulled?  I would like to suggest, yes. 

1. Bad boys are gutsy.

Think about it.  The typical bad boy rides a motorcycle or drives a fast car (or drives the car he has too fast), has no regard for authority, and acts like he owns the place.  He takes risks because his opinion of himself is a little inflated. 

Why girls like this: While being gutsy might really just translate to being stupid, often times it comes across as brave, independent, and confident.  It makes us think that he's got courage to do big things in life.

What it means for you: I'm not telling you to go drive your car really fast and be disrespectful to your parents.  In fact, I would highly advise otherwise.  Look at the principle - girls want a brave guy.  Where's the largest deposit of "havenofear-ite" in the world?  Yeah, the Bible.  It is Biblically sound for you to not be afraid.  It is Biblically sound for you to disregard the opinion of the world in preference for what God has to say about things.  It is Biblically sound for you to courageously oppose evil.  All those things are good for their own sake, but they're also good for catching Good Girl's eye.

2. Bad boys are forward.

Bad boys know what they want and how to get it.  They see a girl they like, and they get her number.  They call her.  They ask her out.  They give her compliments.  They impulsively hold her hand.  They ask her out again… and again, until she'll sleep with them.

Why girls like this: We like it when you're clear about how you feel about us.  If you ask for our number and ask us out, it communicates that you like us and aren't afraid to do something about it, and we like that.  It also reinforces #1. above.

What it means for you: DO NOT SLEEP WITH GIRLS UNLESS YOU'RE MARRIED TO THEM.  That aside, look at the principle - if you like a girl, do something about it.  Listen here, Good Conservative (possibly homeschooled) Well Read Gospel Grounded Guy, I know that you've been raised to "take it slow" and "be cautious" and "be the initiator" and "lead" and "be strong and courageous".  So, find a balance.  Don't be slow as Christmas or we'll think you don't know we're alive.  You don't need to rush either, just ask that Good Girl out.  Be clear.  If it's a date, call it a date and pay.  (I should NOT have to tell you that.)  If you never go out again, that's OK.  One date is not committing to lifelong relationship.  Just be one notch higher on the forward scale?

3. Bad boys care about their image.

Bad boys usually turn out to be self-indulgent, well, bad boys.  They care about how they come across.  Their hair needs to have the perfect dirty-don't-care-put-together amount of gel in it.  Their clothes need to say I'm-a-bad-boy-what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it.  Their car is shiny.  They do pull ups and keep their abs looking washboard-y.

Why girls like this: We notice when guys are put together.  It means they put a little time into getting ready in the morning and hit the gym now and then to take care of themselves. 

What it means for you: Limit the oversized t-shirts with funny slogans to once a month.  Wear pants that fit.  Know what an "accessory" is (here's a clue: watches, sunglasses, and the occasional bowtie or man bag).  No more eating like you're in 7th grade - a whole pizza, a Mountain Dew and a box of Mike and Ikes.  I'm not saying you have to have the perfect model bod and suddenly be able to afford Buckle watches.  I AM saying you should take care of what you've got and learn how to dress more snappily than a t-shirt with an LOTR reference and khaki pants that are too short and show your white Adidas socks.  You know what's important, and fashion isn't really, but that doesn't mean you can't take 10 more minutes getting dressed in the morning.  Good Girl will sit up and notice the change. 

Granted, being gutsy is hard, not every girl you ask out will say yes, and you might hate me for suggesting you ditch the LOTR t-shirt.  Good girls don't want you to be bad, but they do want you to be brave, clear and put together.  I do hope that I unraveled the intellectual knot that is the bad boy and helped you come one step closer to becoming the Knight in Shining Armor (or should we say Amor?) you're meant to be.

Love you, Good Guys, and good luck winning your lady fair,

Little Miss Sunshine

How to Earn Love

Really, what I want is to be loved.  I want to be pursued and chased and valued.  I want to get that poprocks-in-your-stomach kind of feeling.  I want to be wanted.  (Thanks, Hunter Hayes.)  I want someone to want to know what makes me tick. 

So here's the plan.

I'm just sort of working it out, so I'm open to suggestions.  I've got the grown up job, so that's good.  It might be even better that it's working with kids in a change the world/impact the next generation way.  I think that's extra points.  I'm at church almost every week.  I just got promoted to foyer hostess on the hospitality committee.  Last week at our college/career gathering, I met 12 new people.  Surely helping lead that small group is helping make my case.  I mean, what else could God want?  I put my dishes in the dishwasher.  I'm not out kicking children or committing fraud.  Maybe it's enough to be loved.

Of course, that's all rubbish. 

Never ever ever ever will you ever catch God saying "I will love you if _____________".  And yet… somehow… I get the idea that He will love me if.  If I kick the habit. If I volunteer.  If I go to church.  If I don't drink, smoke, cuss, or chew.  If I don't - you finish the sentence.  I treat love as if it's a paycheck.  If I do this for You, God, then You will owe me love.  I treat love as if it's a prenuptial agreement.  You will love me unless I _______, and then it's back to square one and I'm left with nothing.  But that's my idea of love.  I try to make love fair. 

God's love is never fair. 

(Right after the golden calf fiasco) Behold, to the LORD you God belong heaven and the heaven of heavens, the earth with all that is in it.  Yet the LORD set His heart in love on your fathers and chose their offspring after them, you above all peoples, as you are this day. Deuteronomy 10:14-15 (emphasis mine)

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son in to the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him. John 3:16-17

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ… so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

God's love is not a paycheck.  It is not a transaction.  It would not add up, reconcile in a checkbook register, or be approved if it were a bank loan.  I cannot out run it, out smart it, or out sin it.  I got it when I didn't deserve it, so what in the big wide world makes me think I need to earn it now?  

The light dawns and the lie becomes clear.  Love is a gift, and it has always been.  Love is the richest, fullest, brightest gift, and God's is unending.

Suddenly that rush of realization about God's love spills over into how I understand human love.  So we must be careful.  The strychnine in the well poisons not only the well, but the lemonade in the pitcher and the flowers in the vase and even the cherry jello.  A crooked view of God's love - a view that love is earned or deserved or - perish the thought -  transacted - bleeds into all our other loves. 

Not "maybe if I'm funny and don't ask too much of them and send them cards on their birthdays then my friends will love me".  Quite the other way around.  Because they love me I will be funnier and ask things of them and send them cards in the mail. 

Not "maybe if I take out the trash and keep my room clean and am the biggest fan then my family will love me".  That's quite an upside down approach.  Their love makes me the biggest trash emptier/room cleaner/ fan.

Not "maybe if I look pretty and don't talk too much or just enough and have the sweetest attitude then Mr. Wonderful will love me".  Rubbish.  The love of Mr. Wonderful itself will make me pretty and will bid me talk or not and will encourage an attitude of sweetness.

That's the power of love.  It transforms things.  Love turns scars into stories of grace.  It makes peace out of conflict and action out of apathy.  It brings light to darkness and hope to despair.  

Love is a costly gift, but the greatest one.

Little Miss Sunshine

Identity Crisis

When people ask me who I am, I like to have a kind of go-to list of things to pull from.  I'm a teacher, so I belong to that office supply/bookish/lamination-loving group of people called teachers.  I'm a first-born, so I give myself permission to be a little more bossy and fine with being in charge than the average human.  I'm an athlete, so I can identify when other athletes talk about hitting a wall or pulling a quad.  Of course, there's plenty of room for improvement- I wouldn't mind adding "successful gardener" or "avid language learner" to my list of identifiers, but I like to have a few things on hand for easy access. 

There are few questions whose answers can reveal more about a person than

Who/what are you

and

Who is God

The way you answer those questions gives away what you think is important.  If you [Heaven forbid] say "I'm a brunette" or "I'm a waitress", it is immediately apparent the things you find most important are your hair and your job.  (It wouldn't make any difference, by the way, if you said "I'm the blonde by which all other blondes are measured" or "I'm the Surgeon General".) 

But that's what you do, not who you are.  If Ronald Reagan and Channing Tatum are both in the movie business, does that make them the same person?  Consequently, if you are suddenly unable to make that sandwich or perform that surgery, what does that make you?  A nothing?  Now you're identity-less?  That might sound a little dramatic, but what if your identity is being supermom and your kids grow up and move out?  What if you're all about being that awesome husband or wife and the unthinkable happens and you lose that person?

I have two grandmas with severe memory loss.  In their day, they were matriarchs.  They were the ones planning menus for family reunions, never forgetting to send cards for birthdays and anniversaries.  Do they do the same things they always have?  No, but we didn't take away their names and fingerprints just because they can't do the things they used to do.

What about the stuff you have?  I know all you hipster antimaterialism-ists would raise a defensive ruckus saying you aren't attached to your stuff/you shop at thrift stores/music and art are so much more important than Fossil watches, etc. etc.  Great, not everyone is attached to buying brand names.  But don't you feel good when you get over 20 likes on Instagram?  Are you aiming at having 1,000 followers on Pinterest?  Things you have aren't always smaller than a breadbox.  Sometimes they're the size of a reputation or a Twitter feed. 

I haven't mentioned the second question.  Who is God?  What if your answer to that question shed some light on the first question?  Let's posit that there is a God who is all powerful, perfect - you know, all the stuff you have to be to qualify to be God.  Let's also posit that He created everything.  Even if we stopped right there, that helps us with our first question.  It says, "I am not an accident; I am an 'on purpose'".  If you are an 'on-purpose', it would make sense that you have some sort of purpose. 

Who and what and why you are now becomes dependent on something, rather a Someone outside yourself.  This isn't just any someone like Taylor Swift or Napoleon, as great as they are in their own right.  This is an all great, all good God.  Apart from just existing (which would be enough), and creating you (that's a bonus) this great, good God took your record of messy lies, failure, anger, depression, ungratefulness and put that on Jesus so that you could have His clean record.  Not a fair trade, to say the least.  You don't even have to live with an identity of your own record anymore.  You might have to live with a few of the consequences, of course, but it doesn't own you.

But can you deal with that?  Can you unclench those hands hanging onto your rather forgettable identity and cling to the identity you're being handed?  Can you bear to cling to grace - something you didn't manufacture or build with your own two hands?  Something that could even be termed as a -gasp- handout?  Let me tell you from personal experience, it's to your advantage to let go of finding your identity in being a scholar/athlete/multitasker/artist/lemur whisperer.  You will lose games, get an 89.4, drop the spinning plates, choose the wrong color and miscommunicate with the monkey - or you'll forever live in fear of doing so.  Someone unchangeable, unshakeable and wholly sufficient is where you want to hang your identity. 

When you do that, who you are no longer tries to lean on what you have or what you do.  Your identity is now safe from, well, you.

Love you,

Little Miss Sunshine

Boys Are Not to Play with

He opens doors for you.  He gives the best hugs.  He's always there for you.  He's the one you text when you're stressed out.  You just think he's the greatest.  Of course, you aren't dating him or anything.  I mean, it's just __________.  He totally gets it.  It would never work.  Girls, depending on your situation, you might hate me by the end of this entry, just a warning. 

One of the most eye opening and helpful pieces of relationship advice I've ever received was from one of my guy friends during college.  He said

Don't ever say, 'It's just so and so'

What he meant by that was don't get tricked into thinking you're on the same relational page. 

It's just Jake, he knows I don't like him like that.

It's just Hudson, we're just really really good friends.

It's just Taylor, it's not a big deal that we hang out all the time. 

What you might perceive as the greatest friendship you've ever had (I mean, who doesn't love that guys are essentially drama-free), could be super confusing and miserable for this best friend of yours.  When you have movie snuggle time with the friends, or talk to him about all the guys you're crushing on, what you might be doing is crushing him instead. 

I get it.  It's easy to do this unknowingly. [Well, after this post, you're going to know, so there goes that excuse.]  There are some pretty stellar guys out there who have great patient and kind hearts.  Who doesn't love to hang out with that all the time?!  They're so easy to talk to, and they give great advice!  What you don't realize is it is highly likely that they are growing to like you, and the more you hang out and use them to open doors and talk with on the phone and listen to all your issues, the more you're playing them. 

THAT'S NOT OK! 

GUYS ARE NOT TO PLAY WITH.  They are living breathing humans made in the image of God, and yes, they have feelings.  They might not show them when they watch Pride and Prejudice or see a kitten, but they do have feelings.  You cannot just use guys to lift heavy things, listen to your problems, and have a nice cushy shoulder to cry on.  They're people.  We have names for people using people - trafficking, slavery, prostitution, manipulation, corruption - not words you'd like applied to your personal record.  Don't play with their emotions.

I have two younger brothers, who I would give a limb to without thinking twice.  They're at the top of my list of people I love most on planet Earth.  You know what I'd want to do to any girl who sweet talked her way into breaking their hearts?  Beat the crap out of them.  I mean, I wouldn't actually beat them up, but I might think about it for a few days.  It should be the same way with the other guys in our lives.  And sometimes - hear me, girls - the people we need to protect them from is US. 

Now, I know, you're thinking, Little Miss Sunshine!  I'm not a seductive slut!  I'm a nice little Christian girl!  You can't possibly be talking to me!  (Read in a Snow White voice)

You bet your bottom dollar I'm talking to you, sister.  (Read in a John Wayne voice)

Sometimes the "nice little Christian girls" are the worst because they're convinced that they're just loving these great Christian guys "like brothers".  (Anyone heard that before?)  Here's a clue, honey, I don't call my brothers all the time and gush my tearful drama to them; I don't bat my eyelashes at them or do that goofy little flirty laugh we do when we want attention.  Oh yeah, and I value them like crazy.  I don't think, ah, well, it's just Jordy, it's just Jarrett.  They'll understand.  Um, hello, they're a big deal, and they deserve to be respected like a big deal.  If you really value your guy friends, you'll value the way they see things. 

Just to drive my point home with a little street cred, watch this video.

Ouch.  The magic of guy/girl friendships tarnished a little for you?  Yeah.  It was for me too, but it also led to a deeper understanding of who guys are, and in the end, I think that's more valuable than living naively.  Now, I'm NOT saying you can't have guy friends at all.  If you know me, you know I have some rock solid A-grade guy friends.  They have been an explosion of blessing and hilarity in my life.  Ok, so I'm not saying don't have guy friends.  I AM saying don't you EVER say It's just so and so and think you're on the same page relationally.

You're not a dude.  Get some solid girls in your life. 

Just treat the men in your life well, OK?

Little Miss Sunshine

All Sexed Out

I'm all sexed out. 

I'm tired of a culture that is fiercely enslaved to sex.  It is wearying not to be able to buy a toothbrush without someone trying to convince me that somehow I'll be transformed into a 5'7" blonde with blindingly white teeth if I use their toothbrush.  Let's not even talk about shampoo commercials.  Eck.  Everywhere I look, sex.  Pinterest is convinced that if I do this butt workout, I'll be sexier.  If I slather my hair with jojoba oil, cow manure and chopped licorice, I'll be sexier.  Facebook thinks I need to get on SingleMingle or Match.com or I'mSingleandIKnowIt to meet sexy single guys. Let's not sell them bag of Doritos because they taste good, let's sell them a bag of Doritos because they're sexy.  I'm not sure I could buy a paperclip without being harangued about its sleek, sexy design.  Oh, and wherever sexy went, JT is bringing it back.

Movies?  TV?  Magazines?  How I Met Your Mother?  Barney's whole character is built on his addiction to getting girls to sleep with him.  New Girl?  The newest episode was called "Virgins".  It covered how all the main characters lost their virginity.  Yeah, classy.  Friends?  I think they shortened the title from "Friends Having Sex with Friends".  Try to think of a movie lately that didn't either imply the main characters having sex or show the leading lady in a plunging V, high heels and mini skirt.  Every time I go to the grocery store, Trashy McTrash Teen Trasherson wants to tell me all about the top 1,000 ways to have better sex.  We are obsexed.

There are whole industries built on sex, some of them deemed more pardonable than others.  People think it's more OK to watch people having sex on the internet than to go hire a child prostitute.  "Porn is just maybe a weakness or something to do on the weekends."  "Child prostitution is a whole other ball game."  "That doesn't happen here.  That's stuff they make movies about in other countries where Liam Neeson goes and kills bad guys."  There's a whole slave industry sustained by a culture who is enslaved to sex.  How are we so blind that WE ENSLAVE PEOPLE TO FEED OUR ADDICTION TO SEX? 

Here's the kicker.  Sex is not the problem.  Friends, who created sex in the first place?  Nope, Adam and Eve did not invent sex.  Get ready for this one…

God did. 

Now, if there's one thing I know about God, it's that He loves community.  He is the Trinity, which is like community on steroids.  He sent Jesus to die so that we could be restored to community with Him.  He designed the community of the Church to love and help each other and the people around them.  He designed marriage as an expression of community, and as a stable place for kids to grow up in.  God created sex as an expression of vulnerability and intimacy in marriage. 

It's a pity I don't have a whiteboard right now, because I would draw you this picture.  Use your imagination.  Big circle with the word COMMUNITY inside it.  This is where God wants all people to live.  No one was meant to be alone, even nomads travel in bunches.  He's given us all kind of things to do in this circle - eat food, work, volunteer, hang out, play sports, knit scarves, whatever you're into.  Inside the COMMUNITY circle, I'd draw another circle and write MARRIAGE in it.  God designed marriage.  It's a good thing.  It's a thing that most people should pursue.  Marriage is great for communities.  It stabilizes people.  It makes better kids.  Within that marriage circle, I'd write a list of things that married people should be doing, stuff like serving each other, working hard, blessing the people around them, spending time with wise people, modeling the kind of love that Christ has for the Church, having sex, cleaning house, having fun, etc. etc.  Did you notice how much of the pie sex got?  Yeah, it got a decent sized slice in the marriage pie, which is a decent slice of the community pie. 

We have taken a good thing that God made for married people and made it this grandiose experience/industry/image/culture.  And it's wrecking us.  But that's how idols work.  They hurt people.  They cause pain.  They trick you into thinking they're not so bad, or even a great idea.  Sex is good, so let's just have it all the time and watch it and think about it all the time.  It's connected to love, and love is good, so it's fine.  NO!  False.  Big lie.  Any time you give something a bigger slice of the pie than it was meant to have, things go awry. 

Sure, it might be weird or foreign to hear that sex was meant for married people.  That's the way God wrote things.  Is that always the easiest way to live?  No.  I get that.  If this whole concept is new to you, that's OK.  Sometimes Jesus says things that take a while to think through.  He's not very politically correct, either.  Sometimes He straight up tells you that what you're doing is wrong, and there's a better way to live.  The funny thing is, He's always right.  

Now, I realize that reclaiming culture takes a long time, a lot of people doing smart cultural things, and a whole lot of Gospel.  But can we start today, in our own lives, gathering up our own armfuls of things we've given too much pie and take them out with the garbage?  Maybe that means you don't watch certain movies.  Maybe that means you start getting involved with people like the International Justice Mission, who are making a dent in the modern day slave trade.  Maybe you talk to your kids about how sex is a good thing, but only when you keep it where it belongs.  Maybe you toss those porn movies you've been hanging onto.  Whatever your maybe is, do it.  Take your one step to reclaim culture. 

Much love,

Little Miss Sunshine

When God Writes Your Love Story… and it takes a long time

I just woke up from a fabulous Saturday afternoon nap where I dreamed I was ten minutes away from my dear friend Sarah's wedding, and I couldn't find my bridesmaid dress anywhere.  Consequently, there were several others in my closet, but nothing in David's Bridal Peacock Blue.  When I snapped out of my fashion disaster panicked slumber, I felt like I was living in Katherine Heigl's 27 Dresses. 

Don't get me wrong, I love weddings.  I had the honor of being in Kat's in December, went to two in March, and have four back to back coming up at the end of May, one of which is my brother's.  I've done bridal hair, invented boutonnieres out of centerpieces, lit candles, blown out candles, made punch and torn up the dance floor (but that goes without saying).  But at some point, you've got to start asking, hey, where's my wedding?!  When do I get to have a wedding?!  I trust that God's going to write my love story, but sometimes I think He's taking too long.

My little brother's getting married,  the littler little brother is dating a great girl, my friends are dating great guys or married to them already.  Some of them are having kids, others are doing awesome ministry together or at least being super cute and couple-y.  You know, taking couple camping trips, taking couple photo shoots, picking out living room paint colors, all that stuff.  Sometimes I look around and think, geez louise, is there something on my face?!  Am I missing something?  Did I step out when the couple cards were dealt so I'm out of the game?

Growing up, I was always a planner.  I remember writing out a life plan when I was in 5th grade.  Of course, I no longer want to live on a giant farm with my four best friends because that's called a commune and people will think you're a little off your nut if you do.  Along the way, the plan morphed into a sort of modified American Dream: Christian Edition where I'd get married straight out of college, teach a couple years, have a couple kids and be superwife and supermom for a while.  That was the plan.  Well, as you can see, it hasn't happened yet.

But, if there's one thing I learned during this year of teaching, it's to hold tight to this phrase.. Yep, I'll wait while you get out your Moleskine…

You just never know. 

Write it down.  Circle it.  Highlight it.  Turn it into a piece of graphic art and put it on Pinterest.  You just never know.  You might have five kids in your class who fail a standardized test.  You might have parents get mad at you, or they might want to give you a raise.  You might lose your job at the end of the school year.  You might have a kid tell you something so insightful that you wonder if they really are 8 years old. 

Don't think this applies just to teachers.  I'm not the only one who just never knows.  You don't know either.  You might decide to take up running today.  You might receive some really bad news or some really good news.  You might run into your boss's boss and get to talking about something innovative you think would improve the company.  You just never know.  In this Information Age, we get tricked into thinking we know.  Wolfram Alpha can tell us all about the distance to this or that star, the population of Rhode Island, or how many wives Muhammed had.  We can Google search people we meet and think we know them instead of just stuff about them.  We can read studies and take classes and follow steps, and it tricks us into thinking we're in charge.  Well, here's another little nugget of wisdom…

You aren't in control.

You can try to prove me wrong with statistics or stories of your plans working out exactly as the Excel formula said they would.  That's great.  I think planning is a good idea, but don't let it fool you into thinking you're in charge, that you've got life wired and all figured out.   

Here's what I do know.  I am called to be faithful to what He's given me to do.  Right now, that's teaching PCs, laughing it up with my RCWest small group, and occasionally dancing the night away.  If I say I love Him, but I don't trust His timing, do I really love Him at all?  If I say I'm committed to wanting His best for me, but then I question if where I'm at, do I really believe that His best is best? 

Saying you believe one thing but secretly thinking another is called lying.  And you know who you're lying to?  Yourself.  James wrote about it like this, except in Greek...

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! - James 1:22

(The Message paraphrase)

If God really knows how many hairs you have on your head, believe Him to know what's best for you.  After all, Paul says,

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? - Romans 8

(The Message paraphrase)

Do you really think that kind of God would let you slip through the cracks? 

I'm not telling you it'll be easy.  Some days you'll probably want to eat a pound of chocolate and watch chick flicks all day or … whatever the guy equivalent is to that.  I'm not telling you that tomorrow you'll meet some amazing person that makes your head spin and that you'll suddenly have a whole flock of butterflies in your stomach.  Maybe you won't get married until you're 26 or 31 or 52 or maybe not at all.  God's not formulaic, but He's good.  He's not tame, but He can be trusted to write your love story, however long it takes.

Love,

Little Miss Sunshine

Men Are People Too

Ladies, I have just made a remarkable discovery.  Men are human.  This is so significant that I thought I would post it here instead of just telling all my friends and letting it circulate by word of mouth.  After years of reading and research and field investigations, I can finally conclude that men are, indeed, human.  Having confirmed this long-standing suspicion, we are now no longer justified in objectifying, idolizing, or demonizing them. 

I know, you neeeeeever do any of those three things.  You treat men like brothers.  You support their manly-man-ness.  Your expectations are realistic when it comes to men.  You never talk about men as if they are objects.  Either you're the oddest girl I've never met, or you're lying.  If I had to take a gander, I'd say you're lying through your recently whitened teeth.

We do this all the time!  (And I'm certainly not exempting myself from this accusation.)  We talk about their eyes, shoulders, muscles, hair, whatever, as if that's all they have going for them.  Sure, we like it when guys are good looking, but we cannot rail at men for commenting on a woman's legs instead of her heart when we do the exact same thing. 

So, yeah, sometimes we objectify men, as if they're just big hunks of human muscle and bone.  It gets worse.  Sometimes we idolize men.  Girl, I've seen how many pictures of Joseph Gordon-Levitt you have on Pinterest.  Stop looking at me like I'm out of my mind.  This isn't just about celebrities.  We do this with our boyfriends, husbands, fathers, and brothers too. 

I hate to break it to you, dear heart, but because of this whole human thing, men aren't perfect.  Even the best man leaves the toilet seat up sometimes.  Even the best man will neglect to open the car door on occasion.  Heck, he might not even open it at all, depending on how far his hometown is from Georgia, Alabama, or Texas.  

I have two brothers who I tend to idolize just a little.  They're amazing.  They love Jesus, they're hilarious, athletic, musical, and they treat people well.  I'm going to let you in on a little family secret.  As amazing as they are, they don't always do their dishes, and their laundry has a tendency to collect on the floor instead of making it into the laundry hamper.  They're human.  Fabulous humans, but still human, and we like that. 

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't have high standards in relationships, or that you should settle.  What I am saying is if you're looking for someone who is 6'2", with blue/gray eyes, a solid vision for family ministry, compassionate, understanding, has a stable job and great parenting skills, you're describing a 45 year old father of 3.  And that's weird.  Guys don't become all those things overnight.  It takes a long time.  Aaaaaand another thing, dating Mr. Right is not going to make your life easier.  Sure, he might enrich it, he might be your best friend, he might even bring you flowers, but relationships are messy sometimes.  Worth it, but messy.  Mr. Right is going to make you cry.  He's going to let you down.  He's going to make mistakes and miscalculations.  Don't get Mr. Right confused with Mr. Perfect.  There was only one of those, and we celebrated His sacrificial death for you yesterday. 

Some of you have had a moment when you realized the guy you thought was Mr. Perfect (remember, there's only one of those) was really Mr. Human.  Maybe he forgot your 7 1/2 week anniversary, maybe he forgot you had a pineapple allergy and sent you into anaphylactic shock with a slushy (slightly less pardonable).  Whatever it was, your glass house cracked, and you've been ticked ever since.  Well, stop it. 

First off, men are human (is there an echo in here?).  Second, women are confusing.  Girls, you don't even understand yourself.  How in the big wide world is a guy supposed to understand you perfectly?  Just because he doesn't intuit the moment to show up with the Cadbury Dark Chocolate Raspberry squares, or buy you the Persian cat calendar for Christmas doesn't mean he's a dud.  It just means he has some learning to do. 

Aside from making this all about how he treats, understands, and communicates with you, guys have problems of their own.  Their model for masculinity vacillates like the stock market.  The media is on their case just as much as it's on yours.  They're supposed to be hot, chiseled, successful, suit-wearing (or suspender and flannel wearing, depending on your circle), confident Senor Suaves who always know where they're going and what they're doing.  Being a humble, God dependent, prayer reliant, selfless gentlemen is not only counter-cultural, it's HARD! 

So….

Don't stop appreciating that men are good looking.  That's silly, and clearly not going to happen, but don't treat them just as objects who look good in a suit or supply you with flowers on Valentines.  They are HUMAN.  They have dreams and goals and gifts!  They have a heart and a brain and courage (Wizard of Oz, anyone?)!  Appreciate those things too. 

They aren't perfect.  Take them off the pedestal.  I know, I know, there are some a-grade-mazing guys out there.  Trust me, I know a whole heap of them, but they aren't perfect.  Don't set them up for failure because your standards are based on what you see in your dad or in Jesus or some quote from Ryan Reynolds you found on Pinterest.  That isn't fair, and you would revolt if guys did that to you.  Twenty-three year old guys are not likely to have fifty year old wisdom or patience or putting-up-with-women skills.  There is only ONE Jesus, and Ryan Reynolds is married, so he isn't an option.  Don't date duds, but make sure your definition of "dud" is realistic.

Here's a suggestion…

Give them the kind of grace you'd want to be on the receiving end of.

They aren't evil.  Sometimes they break our hearts.  Sometimes they can be jerks.  Sometimes they don't understand us.  A few bad apples doesn't mean the whole tree is rotten.  Communicate clearly (guys are not known for taking hints).  If you really hate it when he blows his nose on his sleeve, tell him - don't blow up at him.  Maybe he grew up in an area where there was a tissue shortage.  Be a pray-er.  Do some knee battling for the men in your life.  Be an encourager.  Being a thankful, supportive, bright spot in his life is going to motivate him to abandon his fear of dinner parties or waltzing much better than complaining and making fun of him in front of your friends.  If he doesn't open every door in sight and pull out your chair, don't discount his character.  Maybe the poor kid just grew up in Philly or something. 

Just remember, men are people too.

Little Miss Sunshine