Entirely Irrational

I was going to write a nice post about my birthday.  It's been a wonderful birthday so far, and it's not even over yet.  It's been full of home made cakes made by old ladies and lots of birthday hugs and kisses and presents and breakfasts and dinners and everything nice you could want on your birthday… So, why am I not posting about my wonderful birthday and the biggest birthday party I've ever had?  Good question. 

Writing a rant post on your birthday is entirely irrational.  It's been a great day, I've had so many wonderful birthday wishes, and there's enough chocolate to last a month.  And yet.  Sometimes my silly emotions don't match reality in the way I want them to.  Instead of being so thankful I'm alive and living in a first world Westernized country, sometimes I feel less than ecstatic.  I know, it doesn't make sense.  My life would be so much more convenient if I could just live like this…

Birthday magic and sparkle, Skype with best friend, lots of chocolate and love = contentedness, thankfulness, joy

Friend gets good news = excitement, congratulations, vicarious bliss

Job interview = confidence in my calling and preparation

Instead of this

Birthday magic and sparkle, Skype with best friend, lots of chocolate and love = homesick, sad, tummy ache from chocolate

Friend gets good news = excitement/jealousy cocktail topped with discontent

Job interview = nerves, self doubt, inadequacy

HELLO SELF.  Why can't I just feel what I want to feel!?  Who's in charge here, anyway?  Feeling homesick is annoying and not nice, especially on your birthday.  It doesn't do anyone any good and just makes you want to cry, which makes other people uncomfortable.  And you're 23, you should know better than to eat chocolate cake as a part of a balanced breakfast.  Also, being jealous of your friend's good news is so rude, it's like, one of the lowest of friend sins.  Can't you just be super duper excited for them and that's it?  Can't you just not think about yourself for one second?  Now this business of finding a job, you're prepared!  People think you're going to be a good teacher, and you should believe them.  You spent four years learning about how to teach math, history, art and geography by making a map out of playdough.  Have a little confidence.  Stop being dumb.  Why can't I feel all of those things when I know them to be true?

Sometimes my life doesn't make sense. 

Little Miss Sunshine, who really is having a wonderful birthday and is slightly annoyed that any negative emotion would dare set foot on the premises whilst she is having said wonderful birthday.