Tumult of the Soul

I was a mess yesterday.  I don't like being a mess, even a hot one.  I like to be either contentedly placid, knowing everything is going to be fine, or fervently elated, knowing everything is going to be fine.  What I don't like to be is desperately broken over circumstances, knowing everything is going to be fine, or feeling like I'm the only sparrow in a flock of magpies, knowing everything is going to be fine. 

Did you catch the consistency there?  I know everything is going to be fine.  Jesus is coming back.  He's going to do an Extreme Makeover: Planet Edition that would make Ty Pennington green with envy and the most hardened criminal cry his eyes out with joy.  Things are going to be better and brighter, just the way they were supposed to be.  Yay.  Great.  Got it.  So excited. 

So why in the big why world, do I get myself worked up into a mess?  (And when I say mess, I'm talking 2 year old got into the jars of paint while mom wasn't looking mess.)  I was steaming mad, terrified out of my mind, frustrated, excited, stressed, hopeful, and put out with myself that I couldn't just pick one emotion.  Hang emotions, who needs them anyway. 

Here's the story. 

Yesterday, I got scheduled for two interviews for teaching positions.  Enter the terrified out of my mind/excited/hopeful/stressed emotions.  I felt sick.  I had no appetite.  Yeah, all this from the girl who's quotable for saying "stress is optional, not required".  Yay!  It could be a paycheck!  AH!  School starts next week!  There was so much cognitive chaos, I felt like I was having a lightning storm in my brain.  Of course, it wasn't just the truth that was making me nervous - wow, this could be my first real job; what if they ask me hard interview questions; it was those dang lies bouncing around in my head.  There's no way I'll ever be a good teacher.  I'm too young, they'll never hire me.  God has much bigger things to think about than helping me with this job mess. 

Chaos. 

That still, small voice was talking away, but I'd have none of it.  Admitting I was a quivering, shivering little kid would only make me feel more vulnerable and a mess, or so I reasoned.  Poor reasoning, I know.  My saving grace came at 7 that night when I sat myself down for Beth Moore Bible Study at church.  Mmmmm.  That woman has a gift for showing you how God brings light into dark places.  I walked out of there reassured that God does care what the heck happens to me, and it's worth the fight to keep reminding myself of that. 

Today, I scrubbed my face shiny, globbed a professional amount of makeup on, and shrugged on my power suit.  The first interview went well.  Their questions were more theoretical than "tell us about a time when you…" which are always easier for me to answer.  Tortilla chips for lunch.  Took a nap.  I recaptured all my flyaway baby hairs with an extra shot of hairspray and set off for the second interview. 

Their questions were harder, more along the lines of "tell us about a time when you captured a runaway llama in your classroom".  I know, terrifying.  I barely got out alive.  A few phone calls to licensure and fingerprint people later, and I was thoroughly discouraged.  My license is still weeks away from being ready.  I would swear, but it wouldn't help, and you wouldn't like it.  My paperwork is taking longer than I expected.  There's nothing I can do now.  I feel like I neglected things that I should have done at Christmas.  Feeling irresponsible makes me feel like I fail at life, or at least at being a grownup.  Enter, more mad, frustration, tumult of the soul.

Either I will have a job that starts on WEDNESDAY, or I won't and I'll be in Texas hanging out with friends.  Either I have a classroom to decorate and routines to conjure up, or I'm going to the mountains tomorrow to relax while camping with the fam.  Oh, how I love uncertainty.  Not.  

During dinner I got the call… we've filled the position, but thank you for applying.  It was mostly the fingerprint card not being ready issue, etc. etc.  I thanked them and hung up.  I finished my pasta.  What's a little rejection, I thought to myself.  If you can't handle that, you'll never make it.  You're fine.  Fine.  Everything's always fine.  There's even a chance the other interview will turn into a job.  Just wait it out.  

It's one thing to know that and feel that because you're just chugging along in life.  It's another thing to feel like you're lost in the creepy Beauty and the Beast woods and know that Jesus hasn't gone anywhere.  Where is this faith that I claim?  When things get sticky and tricky, am I really that quick to doubt?  HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.  Why do I even let myself question that?  He's right where He's always been.  It's a tumult in the soul, a wind screaming, wave tossing soul storm. 

The sun will come out tomorrow, whether or not I have a job and whether or not I feel great about my life.  Stay in the game, kids, Jesus isn't going anywhere.

Adamantly determined to think what is true, 

Little Miss Sunshine