Men Are People Too

Ladies, I have just made a remarkable discovery.  Men are human.  This is so significant that I thought I would post it here instead of just telling all my friends and letting it circulate by word of mouth.  After years of reading and research and field investigations, I can finally conclude that men are, indeed, human.  Having confirmed this long-standing suspicion, we are now no longer justified in objectifying, idolizing, or demonizing them. 

I know, you neeeeeever do any of those three things.  You treat men like brothers.  You support their manly-man-ness.  Your expectations are realistic when it comes to men.  You never talk about men as if they are objects.  Either you're the oddest girl I've never met, or you're lying.  If I had to take a gander, I'd say you're lying through your recently whitened teeth.

We do this all the time!  (And I'm certainly not exempting myself from this accusation.)  We talk about their eyes, shoulders, muscles, hair, whatever, as if that's all they have going for them.  Sure, we like it when guys are good looking, but we cannot rail at men for commenting on a woman's legs instead of her heart when we do the exact same thing. 

So, yeah, sometimes we objectify men, as if they're just big hunks of human muscle and bone.  It gets worse.  Sometimes we idolize men.  Girl, I've seen how many pictures of Joseph Gordon-Levitt you have on Pinterest.  Stop looking at me like I'm out of my mind.  This isn't just about celebrities.  We do this with our boyfriends, husbands, fathers, and brothers too. 

I hate to break it to you, dear heart, but because of this whole human thing, men aren't perfect.  Even the best man leaves the toilet seat up sometimes.  Even the best man will neglect to open the car door on occasion.  Heck, he might not even open it at all, depending on how far his hometown is from Georgia, Alabama, or Texas.  

I have two brothers who I tend to idolize just a little.  They're amazing.  They love Jesus, they're hilarious, athletic, musical, and they treat people well.  I'm going to let you in on a little family secret.  As amazing as they are, they don't always do their dishes, and their laundry has a tendency to collect on the floor instead of making it into the laundry hamper.  They're human.  Fabulous humans, but still human, and we like that. 

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't have high standards in relationships, or that you should settle.  What I am saying is if you're looking for someone who is 6'2", with blue/gray eyes, a solid vision for family ministry, compassionate, understanding, has a stable job and great parenting skills, you're describing a 45 year old father of 3.  And that's weird.  Guys don't become all those things overnight.  It takes a long time.  Aaaaaand another thing, dating Mr. Right is not going to make your life easier.  Sure, he might enrich it, he might be your best friend, he might even bring you flowers, but relationships are messy sometimes.  Worth it, but messy.  Mr. Right is going to make you cry.  He's going to let you down.  He's going to make mistakes and miscalculations.  Don't get Mr. Right confused with Mr. Perfect.  There was only one of those, and we celebrated His sacrificial death for you yesterday. 

Some of you have had a moment when you realized the guy you thought was Mr. Perfect (remember, there's only one of those) was really Mr. Human.  Maybe he forgot your 7 1/2 week anniversary, maybe he forgot you had a pineapple allergy and sent you into anaphylactic shock with a slushy (slightly less pardonable).  Whatever it was, your glass house cracked, and you've been ticked ever since.  Well, stop it. 

First off, men are human (is there an echo in here?).  Second, women are confusing.  Girls, you don't even understand yourself.  How in the big wide world is a guy supposed to understand you perfectly?  Just because he doesn't intuit the moment to show up with the Cadbury Dark Chocolate Raspberry squares, or buy you the Persian cat calendar for Christmas doesn't mean he's a dud.  It just means he has some learning to do. 

Aside from making this all about how he treats, understands, and communicates with you, guys have problems of their own.  Their model for masculinity vacillates like the stock market.  The media is on their case just as much as it's on yours.  They're supposed to be hot, chiseled, successful, suit-wearing (or suspender and flannel wearing, depending on your circle), confident Senor Suaves who always know where they're going and what they're doing.  Being a humble, God dependent, prayer reliant, selfless gentlemen is not only counter-cultural, it's HARD! 

So….

Don't stop appreciating that men are good looking.  That's silly, and clearly not going to happen, but don't treat them just as objects who look good in a suit or supply you with flowers on Valentines.  They are HUMAN.  They have dreams and goals and gifts!  They have a heart and a brain and courage (Wizard of Oz, anyone?)!  Appreciate those things too. 

They aren't perfect.  Take them off the pedestal.  I know, I know, there are some a-grade-mazing guys out there.  Trust me, I know a whole heap of them, but they aren't perfect.  Don't set them up for failure because your standards are based on what you see in your dad or in Jesus or some quote from Ryan Reynolds you found on Pinterest.  That isn't fair, and you would revolt if guys did that to you.  Twenty-three year old guys are not likely to have fifty year old wisdom or patience or putting-up-with-women skills.  There is only ONE Jesus, and Ryan Reynolds is married, so he isn't an option.  Don't date duds, but make sure your definition of "dud" is realistic.

Here's a suggestion…

Give them the kind of grace you'd want to be on the receiving end of.

They aren't evil.  Sometimes they break our hearts.  Sometimes they can be jerks.  Sometimes they don't understand us.  A few bad apples doesn't mean the whole tree is rotten.  Communicate clearly (guys are not known for taking hints).  If you really hate it when he blows his nose on his sleeve, tell him - don't blow up at him.  Maybe he grew up in an area where there was a tissue shortage.  Be a pray-er.  Do some knee battling for the men in your life.  Be an encourager.  Being a thankful, supportive, bright spot in his life is going to motivate him to abandon his fear of dinner parties or waltzing much better than complaining and making fun of him in front of your friends.  If he doesn't open every door in sight and pull out your chair, don't discount his character.  Maybe the poor kid just grew up in Philly or something. 

Just remember, men are people too.

Little Miss Sunshine

Room 8 the Great's Expiration Date

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am here to announce that Room 8 now has an expiration date: May 24, 2013.  It's quite the adult experience, garnering your first grown up job and then losing it within a year.  There are so many sitcom episodes and movies about getting and losing jobs.  I feel like I should take a bow or get a membership card or something to the grownup club.

I found out yesterday.  They told me a few weeks ago that because of when I was hired, I only had a one year contract, which meant that my job was up for grabs, and I was third in line behind inter-district transfers and people coming off of leave.  Our school is one of the best in the district, so it's not a shock that teachers were flocking to take up residence in Room 8. 

When I found out yesterday after school, I went back to Room 8 and did a little more work before getting in my car and driving home.  During that drive home, I don't know that I have ever been more acutely aware of the power to choose.  Bitterness, discouragement, anger, disappointment, sadness, despair, defensiveness were standing at the ready, waiting to throw me a pity party.  Meanwhile, hope, faith, courage, vision, patience, peace, and resilience were standing by cheering me on.  Sure, I'd just been told I didn't have a job next year, BUT

...I still had a place to live

...it doesn't mean I suck at teaching

...I learned so much in my first year there

...God isn't going anywhere

...if I give up now, I forfeit the things learned in trying again… and again… and again

(Yeah, I did come home and eat half a stack of whole wheat club crackers.  At least it wasn't a whole stack, right?) 

So I can choose.  I am free to get all bent out of shape and sulky, and I'm free to trust God and sign my name on the dotted line of the next adventure.  As much as emotions seem to be thrust upon me or inevitable, I trust a God who is greater than my circumstances but has also lived through them.  I don't know if Jesus ever got let go from his carpentry job, but I'm pretty sure He has a good imagination. 

What's next for Miss Sunshine?  Great question.  It's not one I have an answer to.  So far, my list of ideas looks like this…

- Apply to other schools in the district

- Apply to other districts close to home

- Run away and join the circus

- Consider other states

- Get an office job where I can wear heels and do those desk workouts magazine writers rave about

- Be a cowgirl

- Be a Zumba instructor

- Get a PC related/non-classroom job

- Apply to charter and Christian schools

- Apply to artsy schools where they encourage drum circles and handstands

- Write a book

Plenty of options, and that's only half of them.  There's always overseas stuff, becoming a princess or an astronaut, or working at camp.  All good options.  I'm sure you're full of ideas.  Feel free to pass them along, though I disentangle myself now from any obligation to take them on. 

Much love,

Little Miss Sunshine

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

So, you're single.  Cool.  Being single can be pretty fun… until you're tired of being single and then it's not fun anymore.  That usually happens when hanging out with "the guys" or "girl time" gets old, or when all your friends are married or starting to have kids and you realize you haven't even been on a date in a few months.  Well, before you start freaking out and comparing yourself to all your friends, STOP.  Your life is not anyone else's.  It's yours.  But I get it, you're tired of getting wedding invites addressed to you and "guest", as if they hope a date will magically materialize to go with you to this wedding. 

This post is not a "how to find your soulmate" post.  It's really more of a "don't be an idiot when you're looking for your soulmate - whatever that is " post.  Guys, tell me about the kind of girl you want to date/marry/fall in love with…

Imaginary conversation with imaginary guy sitting in imaginary coffee shop talking about the girl of his dreams… (I had to poll my guy friends for these)

"The biggest thing I want for my dream girl is a desire to follow God in everything."

"They have a heart for others and genuinely care for their well being"

"A love of service for others is very attractive"

"Cute, fun to be around, laughs at my stupid jokes"

"Sense of humor" (Insert personal preference stuff here: likes camping, dogs, athletic, whatever)
"Smiles and encourages!"

Ok, girls, your turn…

Imaginary girl night 2am conversation after watching any movie with Matthew McConaughey.

He really needs to love Jesus.  That's a given.  I need to feel safe when I'm with him.  He can't always be pushing the boundaries.  Has some life goals and direction.  I have to like his friends.  I hope he's taller than me, but if he's just really awesome, I could make some allowances.  He needs to be able to laugh at himself.  Guys who love kids are SOOOOOO cute.  (Insert personal preference stuff here: loves to dance, read, Star Wars, whatever)

Great.  We've established the sort of people you're looking for.  Ok, now, quiz time!  Where are you going to find people of that caliber? 

 The gym?

ERNK.  Wrong.

The pub?

ERNK.  Wrong.

Match.com?

ERNK.  Wrong.

The dog park?

ERNK.  Wrong.

Whew.  I feel like we need to take a step back.  You want someone who loves Jesus, is interesting, smart, funny, good looking, considerate, and isn't a flake.  Now, hmmmmm… where could we find you some of those people.  Thinking.  Thinking.  Thinking.  Hang on, those people are likely chasing the glory of God and the work of the gospel in a church somewhere, serving the community, mentoring people, leading Bible studies, and are on mission with groups of people who also love Jesus. 

 It is hiiiighly likely that you also, you Jesus loving, gospel impassioned person, you, are involved in some of those things.  And if you aren't, then you probably should be.  Guys… if you want a girl who believes in a Biblical model of marriage and who's going to stick around to have a life of adventure with you, STOP PICKING UP CHICKS AT THE GYM.  Don't give me that, "well, she seems really nice and she has a cross tattoo on her shoulder, so I think she probably loves Jesus".  Girls… if you want a guy who might be interested in building a life with you instead of just sleeping with you, STOP FLIRTING WITH THAT DIRTBAG WHO KEEPS BUYING YOU FRUITY DRINKS.  And I'm not even commenting on your "he really respects that I go to church, and he's such a gentleman" rubbish.

Now, am I saying that you won't find Mr. or Mrs. Right on eHarmony or playing rec league lawn bowling?  No.  You can meet great people all over the place, but statistically, you're going to have a better shot if you look in places where those people tend to congregate.  If you go looking for polar bears, you go to the North Pole.  Can you also find them in South America at a zoo somewhere?  Probably, it's just going to be a little more of a shot in the dark… er… jungle.

Yall, this is not rocket science.  If the most important thing in your life is Jesus, then the most important person in your life should share that priority.  Now, I realize that not every community has droves of single, Jesus loving people running around with neon "available" signs on their foreheads while they're blessing others and changing the world.  Sometimes you have to get creative.  But, generally speaking, these mysterious wonder-singles are not friendless orphans.  They have parents.  They have best friends.  They have brothers and sisters and grandmas.  So do some networking.  Get plugged in.  Don't be an idiot.  Go live a life that intersects with people of the caliber you'd want to run around doing life with until you kick the bucket. 

Much love,

Little Miss Sunshine

My Life as an Abstract Painting

I don’t really like abstract art.  I understand that you can say things with shapes and colors, and that sometimes it's easier to express yourself when you don't have to use precise pictures or words because the feelings you're trying to express aren't very precise themselves.  I get it.  It's probably more fun to look like you had a wrestling match on a canvas than to sit for days working on the shading of a single pine needle.  I just find art more accessible when I don't have to do a handstand and cross my eyes to see the hidden message. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is one of those paintings.  It looks like someone got bored and started filling water balloons with paint and chucking darts at them.  (Princess Diaries, anyone?)  Not all the parts are perfectly congruous.  There are lines that don't look like they lead anywhere.  There are smudges.  There are colors that aren't complementary on the color wheel.  There are colors that I don't think even have a Pantone number.  It's sort of a mess.

In my smallish human brain, I think that my life should make a little more sense, have a little more theme, be a little more organized.  I mean, let's take mini road trip through my life… Raised in the country.  Moved around.  Dance class.  Church kid.  Homeschooled.  Two trips to Mexico.  College out of state.  Love theater.  Love music.  Love writing.  Love gardens and dirt.  Love horses.  Summit staff.  Compass Wilderness staff.  Church bookstore staff.  Trip to Morocco.  Year in Australia.  Hate olives.  Love kids.  Get hired 4 days before school starts.  Love people, not good at conflict resolution.  Counseling class.  Love event planning.  End of road trip.

I mean.  What the heck.  I look at those pieces and it looks like a jigsaw puzzle where you put pieces together that you think fit, and then realize don't actually go together.  Psych.  Wouldn't it make more sense if my life went something like this - grow up loving half that many things, get good at one of them, go to college, meet future husband, graduate and get job, turn future husband into present husband, buy puppy, plant petunias, join small group…

Two weeks ago I found out that because of when I was hired, I only have a one year contract, which means I may or may not have my same job next year.  Besides being Little Miss Sunshine, I'm also Little Miss Calculate Her Options.  Should I look at other districts?  Other states?  What if I moved to St. Louis?  Do I want to be a teacher next year?  What if I taught overseas?  Should I get my own apartment?  Sure, I'd like to stay at my school, but maybe I'll be teaching poetry in Bulgaria.  I don't know.  My life doesn't make sense.  I feel like it's sort of one big improv comedy routine sometimes. 

Knowing this makes my life seem more creative than chaotic.  My own life is a page-turner because I don't know how it ends or what happens next.  Every day is a new gift to be unwrapped, an opportunity to walk in those "good works" that God has for us.  It is not my job to wrest the paintbrush out of the Artist's hands and try to make my own paint-y mess of things.  It is my job to walk in faith knowing that someday it will make sense to me, but that day is not today, and that's OK. 

Little Miss Sunshine

Stuff Kids Need

As a teacher, I hear a lot about what kids need.  PE teachers say kids need more exercise.  Art teachers say kids need more art.  Math teachers say kids need to use their hands while they're doing math.  Reading teachers say kids need strategies to help them remember what they read.  Doctors say kids need more vitamins.  Counselors say kids need social skills and processing strategies.  Parents say kids need experiences like yoga class, soccer teams, dance lessons, outside tutoring, taking care of a pet. 

This week is parent/teacher conference week.  I'll be sitting down with parents all week talking with them about how their kids are doing and what they need.  We'll talk about whether or not they understand fractions and how well they listen to instructions.  I might recommend that they put their kid in music class to help them learn to focus, or that they put them in sports to help them develop a better team mentality. 

All that stuff is fine.  I agree that art and sports and vitamins are good for kids.  Yep, wouldn't disagree with that.  I love all of those, and I hope kids get the chance to participate in some of the fun things that I got to be a part of growing up.  But I think in all the flyers for this camp and that club, we're overlooking some things. 

When I sit down with parents at a conference, they'll ask me things like, "OK, so how can I help them at home?"  "What can we practice so that my kid will be more organized or successful?"  I kind of want to tell them, "Kiss in front of your kids."  "Have dinner together."  "Cook."  "Stay married."  "Teach them how to fight redemptively."  "Read to your kids and in front of your kids so they know you like reading too."

Those are the things kids need.  They don't need the newest Justin Bieber hair gel.  They don't need the shiniest shoes.  They don't need a cruise to the Bahamas.  They don't need to have a busier schedule than the President.  They don't need a perfect little happy family.  Kids need real parents.  They need parents who model fighting fair.  They need parents who make mistakes in front of them and ask for forgiveness. 

Sure, you can practice hands on math until your fingers bleed.  You can go to dance class, golf lessons, space camp and have customized monogrammed Ugg boots.  You can have all the stuff people tell you kids need, but if that's all you have, you're just a calculating, dancing, club swinging, boot wearing spacey 8 year old who doesn't know who they are, who loves them, or what safe feels like.

Now, there are situations where sad lives.  People get sick, people leave, people do cruel things.  We aren't always in a situation to prevent disaster, and sometimes we're just there in time to see a lot of broken pieces.  Perhaps instead of trying to make that situation better by giving that kid stuff, we should start with love.  Sure, experiences are good, art class is good, yes yes yes, but let's start with modeling common courtesy, safe relationships, healthy conflict resolution, active listening, family dinner. 

So sure, get out those math flash cards, parents, but only if you have time after family dinner? 

Little Miss Sunshine