The people we are becoming friends with are fantastic. Making friends is an interesting phenomenon to be sure. Whether you're 4 years old and on a playground or 85 and moving to a nursing home, making and maintaining friendships is a life-long endeavor. As someone fascinated by social psychology, this international adventure is fabulous. Friendship is linked to a sort of survival. No friends means no plans, no plans mean boredom, and boredom means death. To put it in simpler terms A=B, B=C, C=D, so A=D. Making friends involves far more than meets the eye.
The first stage, the friend selection process depends on the options and personal preference. Preference depends on self perception, which is crafted by other factors that I'm not writing about in this post. Do I want friends who rock climb, bake, or run? Do I want friends who think the Tea Party is interesting and who read David Platt and listen to Matt Chandler? Do I want friends who dress like hipsters, or friends who wear hoodies and jeans? Or do I just want friends who have entertaining personalities? What's the most important? It could be a combination of any number of these factors that makes people friends, but sometimes it's just the fact that you happen to be stuck on the same tropical island that makes you friends.
The second stage is the friend acquisition process. I reckon the level of intentionality you have varies in proportion to self-awareness, desperation, and personal cunning. To sound cold and calculating, there's an element of marketing and sales in it all. You scope out the market, choose your target and get to selling. You have to be careful how you pitch yourself, and this comes with knowing the market and general social prowess. In Australia, I've had to become a bit of a marketing detective/ social psychologist/ sales director. Who exactly are these young people that we've been introduced to? What kinds of things do they like? What are they motivated by? What makes them laugh? Where do they shop? What do they listen to? Is this even a friend I could make, or are they completely out of my league in terms of awesomeness? Do my motivators/music/interests line up with theirs? If so, great. If not, is it valuable to vary my interests to match theirs to enable kinship and survival? (Remember, A=D)
The execution of this acquisition process, as I said above, is as active as you are hungry for friendship, cunning, or self-aware. Making and maintaining friendships takes effort, whether that's reading up on local sports, listening to the hot bands, or assuming a higher level of kinship than what exists. A note about the last item... this can backfire. Some people might term it "being chummy" but whatever you call it, it's an art and not for fingerpainters. The idea behind this is sort of throwing yourself out there, giving the idea that you and the person in question are better friends than you actually are, in hopes that you'll get to be better friends. Backfire can occur easily because sometimes this "being chummy" can be annoying. It's kind of like roasting marshmallows. You can tip your mallow towards the fire to get better browning, but you risk it falling off the stick.
I laugh as I type this because it sounds so mechanical and robotic, formulaic and calculating. Am I too analytical? Too tuned into what's going on socially? Is this a post that will bereave me of my wonderful Australian friends because they feel like fish being hunted? Time will tell. What I do know is, I love making new friends, and I hate leaving them. I blogged about this earlier in the summer when I was absolutely fed up with leaving people. I don't know why I thought travel was such a good idea when I knew it would mean falling in love with more people and then leaving them for parts unknown. Dumb. On the other hand, dear I and J, who we're currently living with, have friends all over the world and they visit them occasionally. Perhaps the same happy fate awaits me. Heck with fate, I'll do it myself.
Also, no thanks to my dear friend Mark, I'm now hooked on http://www.hunch.com/. Thank you, thank you.... punk.
In an updatory note, we're going to the Botanical Gardens tomorrow! Hurrah! And we've had invitations for a tea party, a jazz concert, a lawn bowling match, and a planning committee meeting. My social calendar is so happy.
Much love, and see you at Christmas,
Little Miss Sunshine
The first stage, the friend selection process depends on the options and personal preference. Preference depends on self perception, which is crafted by other factors that I'm not writing about in this post. Do I want friends who rock climb, bake, or run? Do I want friends who think the Tea Party is interesting and who read David Platt and listen to Matt Chandler? Do I want friends who dress like hipsters, or friends who wear hoodies and jeans? Or do I just want friends who have entertaining personalities? What's the most important? It could be a combination of any number of these factors that makes people friends, but sometimes it's just the fact that you happen to be stuck on the same tropical island that makes you friends.
The second stage is the friend acquisition process. I reckon the level of intentionality you have varies in proportion to self-awareness, desperation, and personal cunning. To sound cold and calculating, there's an element of marketing and sales in it all. You scope out the market, choose your target and get to selling. You have to be careful how you pitch yourself, and this comes with knowing the market and general social prowess. In Australia, I've had to become a bit of a marketing detective/ social psychologist/ sales director. Who exactly are these young people that we've been introduced to? What kinds of things do they like? What are they motivated by? What makes them laugh? Where do they shop? What do they listen to? Is this even a friend I could make, or are they completely out of my league in terms of awesomeness? Do my motivators/music/interests line up with theirs? If so, great. If not, is it valuable to vary my interests to match theirs to enable kinship and survival? (Remember, A=D)
The execution of this acquisition process, as I said above, is as active as you are hungry for friendship, cunning, or self-aware. Making and maintaining friendships takes effort, whether that's reading up on local sports, listening to the hot bands, or assuming a higher level of kinship than what exists. A note about the last item... this can backfire. Some people might term it "being chummy" but whatever you call it, it's an art and not for fingerpainters. The idea behind this is sort of throwing yourself out there, giving the idea that you and the person in question are better friends than you actually are, in hopes that you'll get to be better friends. Backfire can occur easily because sometimes this "being chummy" can be annoying. It's kind of like roasting marshmallows. You can tip your mallow towards the fire to get better browning, but you risk it falling off the stick.
I laugh as I type this because it sounds so mechanical and robotic, formulaic and calculating. Am I too analytical? Too tuned into what's going on socially? Is this a post that will bereave me of my wonderful Australian friends because they feel like fish being hunted? Time will tell. What I do know is, I love making new friends, and I hate leaving them. I blogged about this earlier in the summer when I was absolutely fed up with leaving people. I don't know why I thought travel was such a good idea when I knew it would mean falling in love with more people and then leaving them for parts unknown. Dumb. On the other hand, dear I and J, who we're currently living with, have friends all over the world and they visit them occasionally. Perhaps the same happy fate awaits me. Heck with fate, I'll do it myself.
Also, no thanks to my dear friend Mark, I'm now hooked on http://www.hunch.com/. Thank you, thank you.... punk.
In an updatory note, we're going to the Botanical Gardens tomorrow! Hurrah! And we've had invitations for a tea party, a jazz concert, a lawn bowling match, and a planning committee meeting. My social calendar is so happy.
Much love, and see you at Christmas,
Little Miss Sunshine
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