Confession 45

Confession #45.  I am terrified of not reaching my potential.  What if, at the end of my life, instead of "Well done, good and faithful servant" I hear "Eh, not bad, sort of faithful servant"?!  Setting aside the fact that that particular passage is from a parable and not Jesus telling us exactly what the end of our earthly lives will be like, it makes you think about what the heck you're doing. 

The idea is that God has given us each different amounts of things to manage.  Some of us have marketing skills or juggling skills or crepe making skills.  Others have an eye for architecture or an ear for languages.  What is Jesus going to find when He comes back for the annual business meeting, if you will?

It's not like He's looking for gains in the conventional sense.  He doesn't care about profit on Wall Street.  He cares about whether my heart is kind, my spirit sensitive, and my mind sharp.  Am I lighting the world and mending the things that are broken?  I can't even do it on my own strength.  He just wants me to use the tools He's given to do the work He's provided. 

And yet.  That's a little scary.  It's not confined to a checklist.  There's no rubric.  I can't just use TurnItIn online or hit a "submit" button.  This is an assignment that doesn't finish.  I can't feed someone, clothe someone, and give someone clean water and log my hours for credit.  He doesn't want a certain number of nice things in each category.  He demands all.  All leaves no room for excuses or exceptions. 

What if I have what it takes to become a great teacher?  To impact my students in a way they never forget?  To teach them that character matters, that life has hope, that math and reading are a magical way to understand the world?  But I know myself.  Sometimes I take shortcuts and give less than excellence.  Sometimes I forget that cutting out paper flowers for leis for students is meaningful for their learning experience and thus a profitable use of my time. 

Should I be writing unit lesson plans now?  Memorizing the national curriculum standards and reading the latest research on reading instruction?  That's just my future teaching life.  What about the other part of my world?  The possibilities for change are exhaustingly endless.

Yesterday, our conversation turned to Amy Carmichael, a young woman who gave her life for the orphans of India.  What are my pitiful contributions of living in a cozy house ten minutes from a beach in Australia or trekking around Morocco helping teachers for two weeks when she gave up everything and stayed her whole life, without family except those she met along the way?  

It goes back to the everything principle.  There can be no holding back, no resisting, no reservations.  It's not how much can I spare for Jesus, but how can I leave anything untouched by His fullness of life?  And when there is failure and the occasional corner cutting, there is grace.  There is "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus".  There is "the life I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me". 

Thankful for a Savior and a stable,

Little Miss Sunshine