The awkward things that will happen to you

Dear Reader,

There are things that will happen to you. I don't mean to alarm you, but unless you are the prima ballerina for the Russian Ballet, you will probably have awkward things spill into your lap and stain your dress pants. That should ease your apprehensions a little, knowing that these madcaps are common to the general populace. In fact, you've probably already experienced some or all of these. Hopefully, you have the presence of mind and mastery of wit to turn them into fantastic moments of comedy, after which you can bow and sign autographs. And now, for the list, not in any particular order.

1. Losing your skirt/shorts in public.

For an instant, you feel that free as a toddler in a backyard wading pool feeling. Quickly enough, that happy ancient memory is replaced by the sinking of the stomach in the realization that you have lost your skirt. Whether it's been tucked into your undies after a bathroom break or you happened to be running across campus and the elastic wasn't in as great of shape as you thought, you've managed to make a spectacle of yourself. This is unfortunate, but probably won't ruin your career unless you're a politician or you happen to have national secrets tattooed to your upper hamstring.

2. Spilling things.

Considering that you spend most of your first years doing this, it's remarkable that you even expect to go through adulthood without doing it. Sometimes it happens on airplanes, which is OK unless you're sandwiched between people who are asleep. Sometimes it happens in restaurants. If you're wearing white and you think it's a good idea to order spaghetti because it's cheap, just remember what it will cost you in stain remover to get that sauce out. You might not even be the clumsy one, but watch out for waitresses. Most of them are masters of balance, but there is the occasional clutz.

3. People who are bad at having normal conversations.

You know these people, you might even be one yourself. They just aren't great at making small talk. Their sense of timing is slightly left of true North, or they feel frustratingly ingenuine if they talk about things besides politics and economics or the latest development in technology. Having conversations with these people is not for the faint of heart, but someone has got to take the time to model normalcy for these poor unfortunate souls.

4. Dodging strangers.

This happens to me a lot. I'm in an airport or a busy store or on the sidewalk and someone is walking towards me. Somehow, in a moment of body language illiteracy, I dodge the wrong way, right myself, and then walk to the other side, but by then they've readjusted and we look like we're doing some tribal jungle dance in the middle of the street trying to get around each other.

5. Kissing.

It is likely that you know this just from watching romantic comedies. I don't fully endorse watching them, but I have been known to indulge now and then. There can be lots of potentially awkward things about kissing, but one of the notable ones is noses. It's important to tilt the right direction or else you're going to knock noses and the romantic sentimentality of the moment will be thwarted. It's also important not to go smushing people's noses so they can't breathe. Be considerate. Try to do some thinking while your heart is racing and your eyes are sparkling.

6. Being a third party to an untimely comment.

Sometimes watching the awkwardness is just as bad or worse as being involved in it yourself. For example, if you're talking with two people and one person says something dreadful like, "People with green ears are imbeciles. I don't know how they function without a brain." without knowing that the other person has green ears. Oh dear. You are privy to information that not everyone has. There's nothing you can say to undo the comment, so the best thing is usually to steer the conversation to something pleasant like spice cake or cows.

7. Receiving Tiffany rings and giving Target ones.

In the spirit of Christmas, my last example of awkward situations you will find yourself in is the realm of gift giving. You have friends (I hope) and each of these friends has a different idea about gifts. Some love to give gifts at any and all occasions, while others aren't into gifting. You, by logical reasoning, fall somewhere in between these two spectrum ends. Awkward things can happen when friends live at different ends of the spectrum. You might meet a friend to exchange Christmas gifts and you're handed a Tiffany blue box a fabulous ring in it, but all you have to give is the Target one you found last week on sale. Not good, folks, not good.

This post is dedicated to the girl who walked in front of me this afternoon, whose awkward story can be found in my previous post.

LMS